Last weekend was a busy one. We went out on Friday night to listen to a band perform. And were they awesome! Saturday was spent at the Singapore Writer's Festival (a different post for that one soon) and Sunday was spent out again. Books were touched but only now and then, and the upcoming exam was more or less forgotten.
Monday began so well- I woke up and found out that I had managed a very good A minus on my paper on modernist creation of nations. The comments by the professor were good, and after I read and reread my paper a hundred times, I was pretty proud of some of the arguments I made and the way I wrote 6800 coherent words on a subject that was elusive, complex, and immensely confusing. Apparently I did manage to engage with the theory and I did it well =)
So I immediately began to study, because now an A in the final was oh-so close. I studied it all, read all the books I needed to, looked into all the journal articles, even did some extra reading. I was prepared for the exam. Before the exam, I sat in the exam hall, talking to my professor who was ever so sarcastic, and looked ever-so good (yea, he really is oh-so-good looking!). And he assured me that the paper was nothing I could not handle. And then the exam began. And yes everything was as expected. But apparently I don't know how to "write" an exam. I thought too much, couldn't manage my time, hated my handwriting, missed several points, and basically realized I am not cut out to write exams. I finished the paper feeling miserable and depressed knowing I had done so very below what I COULD have done. Everyone said they did badly, and we all discussed how at a Master's level having a two hour exam just did not make sense. Really, isn't the whole point of a Master's degree in a social science discipline, reading, research and writing. What do we accomplish by writing 5000 words in 2 hours? Shouldn't we be judged on our research papers, presentations, thought papers, book reviews, or a damned Take Home exam! Some courses have take home exams, but apparently the professor decided this one shouldn't and I really don't understand why?
Anyway, so depressed and worried I came home. I did all kinds of math on the way- "Since I have an A- on fifty percent of my grade, even if I do really really badly (which is not so possible) I will still end up with a horrible B. More possibly even if I did slightly badly, I would still end up with a higher B+ which is not so bad. Followed by- if I get a B+ what do I need to get in my last remaining course and my thesis to still make it to first class honors......." (you get the drift right!) After some intense calculations, I realized the situation was not so bad. But I am hard on myself (and others too apparently) and I do not like it when I mess up and produce something that doesn't live up to my high standards. I REALLY don't. I think about it for days, for years even and I simply refuse to forgive myself. So I cried some, I slept some, I screamed at self some, I thought and rethought and thought again some.
And then finally I decided to crop, brighten, darken some photographs to cheer some.
It did not help much but it distracted me and took me far away into untold stories, and untold lives that I happened to have photographed.
Monday began so well- I woke up and found out that I had managed a very good A minus on my paper on modernist creation of nations. The comments by the professor were good, and after I read and reread my paper a hundred times, I was pretty proud of some of the arguments I made and the way I wrote 6800 coherent words on a subject that was elusive, complex, and immensely confusing. Apparently I did manage to engage with the theory and I did it well =)
So I immediately began to study, because now an A in the final was oh-so close. I studied it all, read all the books I needed to, looked into all the journal articles, even did some extra reading. I was prepared for the exam. Before the exam, I sat in the exam hall, talking to my professor who was ever so sarcastic, and looked ever-so good (yea, he really is oh-so-good looking!). And he assured me that the paper was nothing I could not handle. And then the exam began. And yes everything was as expected. But apparently I don't know how to "write" an exam. I thought too much, couldn't manage my time, hated my handwriting, missed several points, and basically realized I am not cut out to write exams. I finished the paper feeling miserable and depressed knowing I had done so very below what I COULD have done. Everyone said they did badly, and we all discussed how at a Master's level having a two hour exam just did not make sense. Really, isn't the whole point of a Master's degree in a social science discipline, reading, research and writing. What do we accomplish by writing 5000 words in 2 hours? Shouldn't we be judged on our research papers, presentations, thought papers, book reviews, or a damned Take Home exam! Some courses have take home exams, but apparently the professor decided this one shouldn't and I really don't understand why?
Anyway, so depressed and worried I came home. I did all kinds of math on the way- "Since I have an A- on fifty percent of my grade, even if I do really really badly (which is not so possible) I will still end up with a horrible B. More possibly even if I did slightly badly, I would still end up with a higher B+ which is not so bad. Followed by- if I get a B+ what do I need to get in my last remaining course and my thesis to still make it to first class honors......." (you get the drift right!) After some intense calculations, I realized the situation was not so bad. But I am hard on myself (and others too apparently) and I do not like it when I mess up and produce something that doesn't live up to my high standards. I REALLY don't. I think about it for days, for years even and I simply refuse to forgive myself. So I cried some, I slept some, I screamed at self some, I thought and rethought and thought again some.
And then finally I decided to crop, brighten, darken some photographs to cheer some.
It did not help much but it distracted me and took me far away into untold stories, and untold lives that I happened to have photographed.
Yes, I am still thinking of the kids in these photographs and wondering if they even have the option of being hard on themselves over silly things like exams and such =(
0 comments:
Post a Comment